WE SHOULD APPRECIATE TEACHERS, NOT T-SHIRTS

	April 19 2010 at 04:23AM James Clarke's Tour de Farce

Newspapers don't like making mistakes, but when one is hurriedly printing and publishing the equivalent of a fair-sized book each day - and two or three quite different editions of it written by hundreds of writers scattered across the globe - errors are inevitable. And when they do occur, editors, in their hurry to correct them, sometimes end up realising the error itself was preferable to the correction. The two most famous examples are: "In yesterday's obituary column we described the late Major DG Peabody as a bottle-scarred warrior. We apologise for this misprint. What we meant, of course, was that Major Peabody was a battle-scared warrior." And the other concerned an article that mentioned the "defectives" of the Willenhall Police Force. An apology followed and ended with the line: "What we meant to write, of course, was the detectives of the Willenhall Police Farce." And I rather liked this one: "We apologise to our readers who received through an unfortunate computer error the chest measurements of members of the Female Wrestlers Association instead of the figures on the sales of soybeans to foreign countries." And here's one that must have cost an American paper an awful lot in an out-of-court settlement: "Due to incorrect information received from the Clerk of the Court's office, Diane J Marchant, 38, was incorrectly listed as being fined for prostitution in Wednesday's paper. The charge should have been 'failure to stop at a railroad crossing'. The Public Opinion apologises for the error." Another US newspaper, the People's Connection, published this: "In a recipe for Salsa published recently one of the ingredients was misstated due to an error. The correct ingredient is '2 tsp of cilantro' instead of '2 tsp of cement'." The Ottawa Citizen and Southern News got itself into a dreadful tangle not just regarding the gender of the offended party... "We wish to apologise to Mary Steyn, published October 22. In correcting the incorrect statements about Mr Steyn published October 15 we incorrectly published the incorrect correction. We accept and regret that our original regrets were unacceptable and we apologise to Mr Steyn."" And some correct corrections: Our article about Jewish burial customs contained an error: Mourners' clothing is rent - that is, torn - not rented. It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day. It isn't only newspapers that get things wrong. This appeared in an instruction manual: "IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words 'state zip code' should have read 'pull rip cord'. And from a Californian bar association's newsletter: "Correction - the following typo appeared in our last bulletin: 'Lunch will be gin at 12.15pm.' Please correct to read '12 noon'." "There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental." And here's a correction from a fellow columnist: "Apology: I originally wrote, 'Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on the front lawn of the White House'. I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word 'sheep'." And I detected a large amount of exasperation on the part of an editor in this one: "Just to keep the record straight, it was the famous Whistler's Mother, not Hitler's, that was exhibited. There is nothing to be gained in trying to explain how this error occurred." This is James Clarke's Stoep Talk column, published in The Star newspaper. E-mail him at jcl@onwe.co.za.

	James Clarke June 09 2008 at 06:39AM James Clarke's Tour de Farce

I was told recently that many school leavers who faced a quiz believed that Hitler's first name was Heil. Some said the Philistines are islands in the Pacific. I think this was in Britain, but I don't think it would be any different here. It is symptomatic of the current situation in which young people are leaving school and even university, never having learned history or geography. While that situation needs attention, we might as well laugh at some of the results. I learned through The Teachers' Network (www.schoolstaff.co.za) that there's a new book of howlers - not yet in South Africa - called Must Try Harder! The Very Worst Howlers by Schoolchildren by Norman McGreevy. Here are some examples: We had a longer holiday than usual this year, because the school was closed for altercations. All teachers at our school are certified. Our school is ventilated by hot currants. Children's views of religion are just as shaky: The Jews were a proud people, but had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals. The seventh commandment is "Thou shall not admit adultery". Solomon had 300 wives and 700 cucumbers. The Papal bull was a mad bull kept by the Pope in the Inquisition, to trample on Protestants. The end of the world will make a turning point in everyone's life. The natives of Macedonia did not believe in Paul, so he got stoned. Pompeii was destroyed by an overflow of saliva from the Vatican. I recognised many of the howlers were from a book of howlers published in 1923: Homer wrote the Oddity. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of that name. John Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. But most of those I received were new to me. Such as these: A fairy tale is something that never happened a long time ago. Shakespeare married Anne Hathaway, but he mostly lived at Windsor with his merry wives. This is quite usual with actors. An epitaph is a short sarcastic poem. Poetry is when every line starts with a capital letter and doesn't reach the right side of the page. Polonius was a mythical sausage. Letters in sloping type are in hysterics. The kids are at it again In similar vein, I am told of a Virginian teacher who gave her grade one pupils the first half of well-known proverbs and invited the pupils to complete them. I find it very hard to believe that these were the work of six-year-olds: Don't change horses - until they stop running. Strike while the - bug is close. You can lead a horse to water - but how? Don't bite the hand - that looks dirty. A miss is as good as - a Mr. If you lie down with dogs - you'll stink in the morning. Love all, trust - me. The pen is mightier than the - pigs. An idle mind is - the best way to relax. Where there's smoke there's - pollution. Happy the bride who - gets all the presents. A penny saved is - not much. Don't put off till tomorrow what - you put on to go to bed. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and - you have to blow your nose. There are none so blind as - Stevie Wonder. Children should be seen and not - spanked or grounded. If at first you don't succeed - get new batteries. When the blind lead the blind - get out of the way. A bird in the hand - is going to poop on you. Better late than - pregnant.

HELLO, IF YOU WANT TO SWEAR AT STAFF, PRESS 4

	James Clarke January 19 2009 at 05:05AM James Clarke's Tour de Farce

According to a widely circulated message drifting around the Net, staff at the Pacific Palisades High School in California are said to have voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine a message that has offended many. The report says the school felt it was necessary because they had already announced the implementation of a policy requiring students and parents to take the responsibility for children's absences and for not doing homework. The school and teachers are now being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - "even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the term and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes". When one phones Palisades school, the following message is heard: "Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection: "To lie about why your child is absent - press 1 "To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - press 2 "To complain about what we do - press 3 "To swear at staff members - press 4 "To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers that were mailed to you - press 5 "If you want us to raise your child - press 6 "If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - press 7 "To request another teacher, for the third time this year - press 8 "To complain about bus transportation - press 9 "To complain about school lunches - press 0 "If you realise this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that your child's lack of effort is not the teacher's fault - hang up and have a nice day! "If you want this in Spanish, move to a country that speaks it." That's a nasty xenophobic utterance in the last line. I am pleased to find that this story, according to Snopes.com (that very useful website that researches lurid items found on the web - including the faked pictures that pop up daily) is false. But this will not stop it going round the world. It's interesting how the news broadcast by the worldwide web - which is very much a news agency run by the people - is sensationalist, crude and too often, unadulterated fiction. More rudeness Talking about being rude: I have some advice on what to say at work to stamp your authority: I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. Ahhhh. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. What am I? Flypaper for freaks? And your cry baby whiny-assed opinion would be? Do I look like a bloody people person to you? Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. This is James Clarke's Stoep Talk column, published in The Star newspaper. E-mail him at jcl@onwe.co.za.