WRITING IT DOWN ISN'T MUCH FUN STANDING UP

November 09 2009 at 04:57AM

James Clarke's Tour de Farce

If you have a yen to write a best-seller but can't - a best seller in the South African context being one that sells, say, 8 000 copies - it's probably because you have been setting about it in the wrong way.

Some years ago in a New York Times article headed, "O Muse! You Do Make Things Difficult!", Diane Ackerman described how best-selling authors set about writing a book.

Dame Edith Sitwell used to lie in an open coffin for a while before she began her day's writing. When Ackerman mentioned this to a poet friend, he said: "If only someone had thought to shut it."

Apparently the 18th century German poet Schiller used to keep rotten apples under the lid of his desk and "inhale their pungent bouquet when he needed to find the right word. Then he would close the drawer, but the fragrance remained in his head".

This inspired me to think up something eccentric to do and for a time I tried typing standing up like my late colleague, Cliff Scott, used to do. It didn't work for me.

Amanadine Dupin (George Sand) found she wrote best when smoking cigars but her lover, Alfred de Musset, complained that immediately after an intimate session she'd go straight to her writing desk.

I think it was Brendan Behan who said nothing worthwhile has ever been written without the aid of alcohol - and he was very good in that direction.

Another cigar smoker is children's writer Mary Hoffman who has written 90 books. She writes for adults as Amy Lovell.

French novelist Honoré de Balzac drank so much coffee while writing - more than 50 cups a day - that he died from caffeine poisoning. Victor Hugo, Benjamin Franklin and many others did their best work only if they had no clothes on. This is not half as bizarre as Voltaire, who apparently used his lover's naked back for a writing desk.

Robert Louis Stevenson, Mark Twain and Truman Capote used to write while lying down while Benjamin Franklin wrote while in a bath. TS Eliot "preferred writing when he had a head cold. The rustling of his head, as if full of petticoats, shattered the usual logical links between things and allowed his mind to roam".

My only idiosyncrasy is to get Threnody Higginbottom (my secretary) to make me, hourly, a large mug of unadulterated rooibos tea making sure the tea bag lasts the morning before hanging it out to dry.

This could, of course, explain why I'm not writing best sellers.

One class ruined my prospects in maths

May 18 2009 at 06:04AM

James Clarke's Tour de Farce

Anton Oberholzer of Fairland, Joburg, experienced a painful but retrospectively amusing flashback when he read my recent column on Pi Day - the day when mathematicians annually let their hair down to celebrate Pi and the elegant formula "Pi r squared".

He writes, "My singular lack of distinction in the field of mathematics has through the years (as can be attested to by school reports and the like) been blamed on everything from a lack of application to base stupidity.

"Personally, I believe the doodskoot came shortly after I arrived at St Stithians College in the late 1960s fresh from Lichtenburg Afrikaans Medium Laerskool without any sort of command of the English language. You should bear in mind that, in those days in the Western Transvaal, English was not a second language but rather a foreign one.

"My mathematics teacher at Saints was a Soutie who developed an instant and intense dislike for me.

"Then came the day when he had to explain to us the beauty of the mathematical constant Pi. After a lengthy and convoluted explanation he ended, grandly, with the formula: 'The area of a circle equals Pi r squared'.

"Bear in mind that I was still grappling with the fundamentals of English - but I could take no more. I immediately corrected him. 'No Sir', said I, 'Bread are square, but pie are round'.

"Maths has been an uphill battle since then."

Anton's story reminds me (as we old columnists like to say) of an incident in the late 1970s when a press photographer asked President John Vorster if he would smile for the camera.

Vorster growled, "I ARE smiling!"

THE BATTLE OF VAN GOGH'S EAR

Artist didn't chop it off - Gauguin attacked him in brothel row over woman

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1177205/

Last updated at 1:25 AM on 06th May 2009

All bandaged up: Painter Vincent Van Gogh never spoke about the cause of his missing ear, but it is claimed rival Paul Gauguin chopped it off outside a brothel

Self-portrait: Vincent Van Gogh never spoke about the cause of his missing ear, but it is claimed rival Paul Gauguin chopped it off outside a brothel

History has always painted Vincent Van Gogh as the artist who cut off his ear. But according to researchers, history might have got the wrong man.

They believe that, in fact, it was Paul Gauguin, an artist of almost equal renown, who cut off his friend's ear.

And the injury wasn't inflicted for the sake of art - rather it was part of a feud over a prostitute.

This theory is the masterpiece of German historians who have pored over the evidence for ten years.

They believe the story about the self-inflicted wound was invented by the sword-wielding Gauguin just to protect himself.

What is not disputed is that Van Gogh lost his ear when the two artists were living in the South of France in December 1888.

The Dutch painter, who travelled to France after teaching himself to draw, was attempting to set up an artists' retreat.

The two were known to fight about art. Van Gogh believed an artist should paint what he saw, while Gauguin painted according to his memory.

But on this occasion, they were fighting over a prostitute named Rachel, outside the brothel where she worked, the book says.

Paul Gauguin cut off Van Gogh's ear, says Hans Kaufmann of Hamburg University

Paul Gauguin, pictured, cut off Van Gogh's ear, says Hans Kaufmann of Hamburg University

Hans Kaufmann, of Hamburg University, said: 'To get rid of Van Gogh, who was begging him to stay [in the south of France] Gauguin waved his weapon in the direction of the victim while they were in front of the house of ill repute.

'The left ear fell. We cannot say if it was deliberate or an accident. In this situation, the protagonists vowed to keep silent. Then Gauguin disappeared, abandoning his friend.

'The next day, the police questioned Gauguin. That's when he made up the theory about self-mutilation.'

Van Gogh, in bed, did not give the police any information. But he was so upset by the abandonment, the book says, that he shot himself in the chest seven months later, and died, at 37. He may have been suffering from lead poisoning from the paints he used.

The academics say the accepted theory that Van Gogh cut off his own ear is based entirely on Gauguin's story. Van Gogh never talked about it.

'Subsequent behaviour and numerous allusions by the protagonists suggest they were hiding the truth,' Mr Kaufmann told French newspaper Le Figaro.

One of Van Gogh's most famous pieces, Starry Night, which inspired a song by Don McLean

If the truth had come out, Gauguin could have faced prison, whereas Van Gogh's retreat would never have been closed, the academics added.

Gauguin is said to have thrown his sword into the River Rhone out of remorse. Neither the sword nor the razor Van Gogh is said to have used to cut himself were found.

There have been many theories about how Van Gogh lost his ear. Some blame his descent into mental illness, others the breakdown of his friendship with Gauguin. But before now, they have never disputed that it was self-inflicted.

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She

presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb

and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to

believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may

surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders,

6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

until they stop running..

It's always darkest before

Daylight Saving Time.

Never underestimate the power of

You can lead a horse to water but

Don't bite the hand that

A miss is as good as a

You can't teach an old dog new

If you lie down with dogs, you'll

stink in the morning.

The pen is mightier than the

the best way to relax

Where there's smoke there's

gets all the presents.

Two's company, three's

Don't put off till tomorrow what

you put on to go to bed..

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and

You have to blow your nose.

There are none so blind as

Children should be seen and not

spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed

You get out of something only what you

See in the picture on the box

When the blind lead the blind

is going to poop on you..

And the WINNER and last one!

English is difficult for the English to learn

	James Clarke December 16 2007 at 11:43PM

I often refer to the eccentricities of the English language but the man who has done most to highlight its absurdities is an American teacher of English - Dr Richard Lederer.

Many readers will know his first book, Anguished English, which among other delights contains an essay on world history composed entirely of schoolboy howlers from as far back as the 19th century. Example: "The first book of the Bible is Guinness." It goes on to describe how "Joseph gave refuse to the Israelites" and how the Ancient Egyptians built the Pyrenees.

It tells about American history - how Franklin declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand" and how "George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country".

Abraham Lincoln's mother died in infancy and he was born in a log cabin, which he built with his own hands. He said: "In onion there is strength."

Lederer also collated some great science "bloopers" written by desperate examination candidates during the 20th century.

"Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil," and "Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should."

Three of my favourite exam answers:

"We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on."

"In looking at a drop of water under a microscope we find there are twice as many Hs as Os."

"Clouds just keep circling the earth, around and around. And around. There is not much else to do."

Lederer points out the absurdity of saying that "writers write" yet "fingers don't fing and grocers don't groce".

"If teachers taught, why don't preachers praught? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can a person be 'pretty ugly'?"

Recently Lynn Haken sent me an anonymous verse and commented: "I am sure you've come across this before." Indeed I had. Once again it was Richard Lederer's. The verse was written out of sympathy with foreigners who have to learn English.

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,

But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,

Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,

Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,

Why shouldn't the plural of pan be pen?

If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,

And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,

Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,

Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,

And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,

But though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,

But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

This is James Clarke's Stoep Talk column, published in The Star newspaper. E-mail him at jcl@onwe.co.za.

USING INDIGENOUS CULTURE TO TEACH MATHS Impti Du Toit 11 January 2006 at 11h00 IOL News

The scope of career choices is often unnecessarily narrowed down simply because a learner has not had the opportunity to study Grade 12 maths and science, or obtained pass marks in these subjects, which are regarded as "difficult".

Without maths or science, the student is often unable to unlock the doors to a challenging career to which he might otherwise have been extremely well suited.

Vuyiseka January of the Shuttleworth Foundation says most learners in South Africa find mathematics hard to understand because traditionally it has been taught as an abstract subject.

As maths is often divorced from a real world context when taught at school, most pupils are unable to understand how it is used in business and everyday activities.

An additional challenge facing black learners is that education in this country is often eurocentric which removes learners mentally and spiritually from their roots.

Lessons are often conducted in English, which may be the pupil's second, third, fourth or even sixth language, she says.

To help educators overcome these learning problems and introduce a more realistic understanding of maths, the Shuttleworth Foundation has piloted a project called Africa meets Africa, which aims to incorporate indigenous cultural knowledge into education.

The aim is to use African arts and crafts, with which learners are familiar, to demonstrate that maths is part of their daily lives and therefore neither abstract nor that difficult to understand, says January, who has an arts and social science background, and manages the project.

For example, in traditional Zulu culture women make pots, weave baskets and produce complex pieces of beadwork. the project aims to use the understanding of shapes and counting skills inherent in producing these crafts to introduce learners to mathematical concepts.

In this way, educators will build on a framework of understanding already familiar to the learner.

At an elementary level, pupils are introduced to natural numbers by counting the beads in one triangle within the design of a crafted object.

Learners in higher grades are taught to understand maths pictorially by looking at the patterns in these objects, as they learn to apply arithmetic formulae and geometry concepts.

As a first step in the project, which is aimed at Grade 4 to 9 learners, the Shuttleworth Foundation has produced an illustrated book and video for educators to use in developing lesson plans for maths or arts and culture classes.

The organisation is funding the testing of these resources in classrooms to see whether they address the educational issues.

January says that during the project, material will be prepared and introduced to department of education officials, and training workshops will be conducted for 800 educators and trainee educators.

Classroom visits and interviews with educators will also be held to ascertain the usefulness of the material in the classroom. A website will be developed and maintained to enable educators to share material and access new material as it is developed.

In 2006 the project will be introduced to schools in KwaZulu-Natal. later it will be rolled out to Gauteng, where it is already in demand, as well as to other parts of the country.

The launch of the project has not been without its own challenges.

January says that in KwaZulu-Natal some parents actually viewed it as a step backwards to have their culture incorporated into education, and cultural overtones in the syllabi were shunned as "proper" education is seen as eurocentric.

But she points out that by incorporating indigenous knowledge into education, learners come to value their culture and the contribution it makes to their general knowledge.

January is also working on the Paarl Local Science Expo, which aims to get learners and educators in townships involved in science.

For details call the Shuttleworth Foundation on 021 970 1200.

Learn English or be fired, president warns December 19 2005 at 04:24PM IOL NEWS

Ashgabat - Turkmenistan's president has threatened to fire his entire government unless ministers learn to speak English fluently within six months.

Previous decrees issued by President Saparmurat Niyazov Turkmenbashi include banning recorded music and men with long hair, and recently he has ordered that a desert zoo have a penguin enclosure.

Now, President Turkmenbashi has given his government a six-month ultimatum to become fluent in English in order for them to lead trade talks with foreign companies and governments.

Turkmenbashi said: "In the next six months you have to be able to speak English without the help of an interpreter.

"I don't care whether you pay for a teacher or you learn it on your own, but you have to talk English in six months. Anyone not fulfilling my decree will be sacked." - Ananova.com

MIND YOUR MANNERS WHEN USING EMAIL October 30 2005 at 01:18pm by Hazel Parry IOL News

Hong Kong - It is one of the easiest ways in the world to communicate - but also the simplest way to inadvertently give offence and wreck a relationship or a business deal.

Email has become the world's number one form of business and personal communication and yet a surprisingly large number of computer users consistently fail to mind their electronic Ps and Qs.

The results can be disastrous. An email sent to the wrong person or written in the wrong tone can cause rows between friends or wreck workplace relationships, all for the sake of a little more care in composing those crucial electronic messages.

'There is this informal 'anything goes' mentality when online'

Email etiquette expert Judith Kallos, author of a book called Because Netiquette Matters, says the casual nature of emailing makes people overlook the potential problems caused by ill-thought emails.

"I see problems where onliners underestimate these issues every single day - from mothers and daughters no longer talking because of an email issue, to business associates who don't understand why their email was a deal-breaker," she said.

This is one of the reasons Kallos set up the websites NetManners

and NetiquetteForums which she says are a resource for Web-users to ask, discuss and find out what is appropriate.

Kallos, like a growing army of communication experts, believes Net manners are critical in both business and social communication, so much so they should be taught as a skill.

"We have conventions and courtesies in place off-line for a reason - that's what civilised societies do," she said.

"Just because you are online doesn't mean manners, personal responsibility, accountability and courtesy get thrown out the window."

"There is this informal 'anything goes' mentality when online and I've yet to understand where that assumption comes from."

"If you think about it, the Web has been around for a little over a decade and nobody has any formal training. You have parents who don't know enough to protect their children and you have teachers who cannot even teach by example."

At the end of the day, despite its usefulness, email should never be regarded as replacement for the telephone, Kallos believes.

"Email is not the be-all and end-all. It is a tool that one has to use at your discretion. Certain issues are not meant for email at all and many times the right thing to do would be to pick up the phone and have a conversation."

Here are the 10 golden rules for netiquette:

Size matters: Sending large attachments is one of the worst mistakes. Try instead to compress or 'zip' files or warn the recipient beforehand.

Capital losses: Typing in capital letters is the equivalent of shouting at someone. It is also considered lazy and is more difficult to read. Take care with your tone. Short sentences can sound abrupt and unfriendly. Try to sound respectful but friendly.

To CC or not to BCC: Misuse of the CC and BCC fields is another big blunder. Only CC (copy) messages to people who need to know. If you BCC a message (blind carbon copy) to a person, their name is not on the copy which goes to the other recipients and vice versa. In some cases this is considered unethical.

Plain sailing: Fancy fonts, backgrounds and graphics can be just plain annoying. They take longer to download and can emerge as gibberish if the recipient does not have the right settings. Keep your messages plain and simple format wise.

RSVP: Try to reply to messages but don't make the mistake of hitting the 'reply all' button. This will result in your thoughts being broadcast to every person on the original email send list. Also avoid the 'Return Receipt Request' unless it is absolutely necessary. Most people find it annoying, an invasion of their privacy and it doesn't guarantee a reply anyway.

Joking apart: Comedians rely on timing, delivery and body language when telling jokes - all things which are absent in emails. Don't attempt to be funny or sarcastic via email unless the recipient knows you well. Without the visual cues you could find the joke is on you. Likewise avoid mass mailing jokes, appeals, warnings which are doing the rounds. Chances are the recipient has heard it all before or it's a hoax.

Fanning the flames: If you are 'flamed' - meaning you receive an abusive or rude email - don't reply straight away. Take a deep breath and calm down before you reply, if at all. Don't fan the flames or you could end up in an electronic slanging match.

Dear John: Avoid sending anything personal or highly confidential by email. An email can be viewed by third parties - including ones at work. Think of it like a postcard and write only things that wouldn't upset anyone or incriminate you in any way to a third party.

Name game: How do you begin an email? The general rule is to use the salutation you usually use in conversation or by telephone. (Mr, Mrs, etc.). If you are on first terms with a person then most often the first name is sufficient. But when in doubt go for the more formal (Dear Mr/Mrs).

Grammar rules: Emails can be short and to the point but remember basic grammar. A message without capitals, full stops or paragraphs which run on and on give the impression the writer is lazy. Do it right and it makes you appear smart and professional. - Sapa-dpa

Learning the lingo gives you a leg up... IOL NEWS

June 09 2005 at 07:18AM

The demand for language training is growing in South Africa as more and more people understand that language diversity breaks down language barriers and is immensely rewarding for all parties.

The ability to speak English as well as one of the country’s black languages goes a long way to earning the respect of the people of our nation.

South African English second language speakers are becoming more and more aware that in order to achieve specific workplace skills and in order to reach real efficiency, a good level of English is necessary.

These are the people who are aware that improving their English language skills will mean either a better chance of employment or an improved likelihood of promotion through improved efficiency. They are prepared to make personal sacrifices in to improve their present status.

South African second language speakers who have successfully completed an English Improvement course at Wits Language School state that their self-confidence, and with it their self esteem has grown.

They say that improving their English language skills has led to a strong sense of empowerment. South Africans learning a black language find that their efforts earn respect and bring knowledge.

Developing a rapport with people in their own language removes barriers and creates the opportunity to communicate with more confidence. So, whether it is for business, for personal enhancement, for travelling purposes, to improve academic knowledge or simply for cultural interest, language training helps us to move towards being citizens of the world.

Wits Language School offers training in a diversity of languages such as English Improvement, Business English and English as a Foreign Language as well as Zulu, Sotho, Afrikaans, French, Spanish, Arabic and Mandarin – courses are held during the week in the evenings, or on Saturday mornings.

The training is carried out on a "face-to-face" basis, with an emphasis on personal interaction in small groups.

For more information contact: Wits Language School on 011-717 4206 or email: wls@languages.wits.ac.za or visit www.wls.co.za

A human being should

analyze a new problem,

Specialization is for insects.